Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
